I don’t really like magic shows.
I don’t guess it is that I don’t like them as much as it is
that they just “bother” me.
2017 hasn’t been around that long yet, but it’s been around
long enough to pretty much kick my butt.
January was a bit trying. Between
Jaxon’s tonsillectomy and the complications after his surgery that led to
pneumonia and then my sudden unexplained sickness that involved high fevers,
crazy headaches, passing out and a trip to the emergency room that led to a
spinal tap, it was all I could do to keep my head above water. There was a meme going around social media that
stated “I’ve decided that my 2017 is going to start February 1st…
January was a free trial month.”
Although that was silly, and made me laugh- I agreed with the writer of
that meme with my whole heart. I needed
a do over, and the year had just begun.
So then came February, my “new year.” Physically my family has felt better (thank
You, Jesus), but I feel like we have been in a constant battle in every other
area of our life- emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I’ve said it before and I’ll claim it until
the day that I die- spiritual warfare is a very real thing. The road that we’ve walked the past couple of
weeks has been a struggle. It seems
every time we turn around, there is a new heartbreaking, overwhelming situation
on our plate. I’d give anything to
openly be able to share these struggles with transparency, but unfortunately I can’t
do that. But the heart break and the
heart ache are very real.
Pain is so real- in all of our lives. Yes, I’m using this blog post as a little bit
of an outlet to vent, but I’m well aware that I am not the only one
hurting. I don’t know how many people
will actually read this, but I know that everyone that does is dealing with their
own heartaches. Because this world is
hard, and the things that we deal with are real and they are heavy. So very heavy.
The pain is so real.
But back to the magic show.
I’m talking about those magicians that frequent elementary school
assemblies. My youngest son just
finished his first year of playing basketball.
He played at a local church in a “Straight Up Basketball League” that is
a lot like Upward. Tonight was the
awards ceremony. For entertainment, the
church brought in a magician with a Christian message. It was very funny and entertaining. The kids and their parents laughed throughout
the whole show. I laughed several times,
but just like every magic show I’ve ever watched, I mainly just sat there “bothered.”
Let me try to explain the best that I can. I can’t just accept not knowing how the
magician does the tricks. I can see
things clearly with my eyes, but can very rarely come up with an explanation
for what I just witnessed. And that bothers
me. The magician does a trick, then
moves on to the next trick, and I’m sitting there trying to figure out how he
did it. It makes my brain hurt a little
bit.
And tonight as I was watching these “tricks,” I was thinking
about life lately, and tears welled up in my eyes. And then I smiled.
God is so much bigger than some “magician” in the sky. He doesn’t have tricks, but He does have a
plan. And if I were to be completely
honest with myself, like the magic show, maybe that bothers me sometimes. I’m thankful that God has a plan, but maybe
it bothers me a little sometimes that I have no explanation for the things that
I see happening before my eyes. Often I think
that it would be a whole lot easier to trust God if I knew why He did the
things that He does, or why He allows the things that He allows. I’m just being real.
The truth is, trust isn’t something that comes easily to me, and it seems
that the older I get, the less easily I trust.
But I don’t want to be that way with God. I want to trust Him. I want to mean it when I say, “God, I can’t see what You’re doing right
now, but I know that You have a plan.
God, I don’t understand how or why, but I know that You love me and I
know that You want what is best for me. And
I know that what is best for me is for me to be made more and more like Your
Son, and God, if these struggles are what are going to make me more like Him,
then I’m willing to trust that You know what You’re doing. My holiness is more important than my
happiness. My calling is more important
than my comfort. Your Word tells me that
all things will work together for my good and for Your glory, so I’m choosing
to trust You.”
I don’t know much, but I know that I’ll never look at a
magic trick or sit through a magic show the same. I’m thankful that even on really hard days, God
never fails to make me aware of His presence in my life. He uses the most ordinary things sometimes to
say to me, “Hey Kendra, do you see Me? I’m
still right here. I haven’t gone
anywhere. I just need you to trust me,
okay? You may not be able to see the
plan, but can you just trust Me anyway?”
Yes Lord, I will trust You.
It may not happen as easily as “abracadabra,” but yes Lord, I will trust You.
It may not happen as easily as “abracadabra,” but yes Lord, I will trust You.
