change of plans.

Disappointments hurt whether we are 5 or 55.  We don’t like when our plans change.  As parents, we often don’t tell our children the events that we have planned for each day until we are literally on our way, because kids don’t do well with changed plans.  

But the truth is, we as adults don’t always do so well either.

God gave me a glimpse of that tonight…

Tuesday night, I got a text from a friend from church inviting me to have dinner tonight with her and another friend from church.  I told her I would have to look at the boy’s baseball schedules, but that I would try to make it if possible. 

It turned out that Knox had practice, but that Jaxon did not, but Jaxon did want to go with his brother and his dad to practice, so that just left me and Paxton.  I texted my friend from church back and told her that I thought I could probably make dinner work if it was okay that Paxton tagged along…

Soooo… fast forward to this morning…  the first question out of Paxton’s mouth every morning is “do I have school today?”  And the second question out of her mouth every morning is “what are we going to do today?”

That child is busy.  She always wants to be on the go and always wants to be doing something and always wants to be around people… and I have no idea where she got that… 

So this morning I told her that she did have school today and that tonight we were going to eat…

The entire day was pretty normal, but after school, Jaxon was complaining of having a stomach ache… I didn’t think a whole lot about it because he seemed to be okay.  Shortly after getting home from school, I got a text from the friend who had invited me to dinner asking for a  rain check because some things had changed with her family at the last minute… Of course I understood and told her that we could go another time.  I honestly dreaded telling Paxton we weren’t going though…  She came in and asked when we were leaving and I told her that I wasn’t sure we would be able to go because Mrs Cathy asked to reschedule.  Tears welled up in her eyes, and she asked if we could ask Sisa if she could still go.  So I texted Sisa, and asked her if she still wanted to go, and she said yes.  So our plan A didn’t work out, but we now had a plan B, and all was still okay in Paxton’s world.

Knox got ready for baseball practice, and Jaxon got his shoes on to leave with his brother and his dad.  Paxton and I walked out the door about five minutes after the guys, and headed to Sisa’s house to ride with her to go to eat.  My little girl was so tired after a long day at school, but was happy to be going somewhere and she laughed and talked all the way to Reidland.  We got to Sisa’s and moved Paxton’s car seat to her van, and then headed to get some dinner.  Three or four minutes later I looked down at my phone (that was on silent) and realized that I had three missed calls from Justin, one right after the other.  Immediately I knew that something wasn’t right and I called him back, only to learn that they were on the side of the road with Jaxon throwing up and that I was going to have to come get him so that Justin could get Knox to practice.  I motioned to Sisa that she needed to turn around, and she turned and headed the opposite direction of the Mexican restaurant that we so wanted to be at, and headed back to her house to get my van.

My little girl began to sob.  Her quiet cries quickly turned into a super loud five year old fit because she was tired and her heart felt broken that our plans had changed again.  Our plan A had turned to plan B and had now turned to plan C, and she just wasn’t okay.  She cried all the way back to Sisa’s house, then she laid in the floor throwing a thrashing fit as I tried to get her and her carseat moved back to my van so that we could go take care of Jaxon.  I calmly talked to her and tried to tell her that we would do it another time.  My calm words didn’t help.  Eventually I picked up her carseat and walked away from her for a few minutes and went and put it in my van.  Then I walked back to my screaming child, and reached my arms out to her and told her “come on.”  The first time she shook her head “no” at me, but I kept my arms reached out to her and without much hesitation, she reached up to me, and I lifted her out of the van and turned to walk away.  She’s obviously big enough to walk to the car by herself. I honestly had no business carrying her- she’s really heavy.  But in that moment, I knew that she was tired and disappointed and that she just needed to be held.  She laid her head down on my shoulder, and the crying didn’t stop immediately, but she started to catch her breath and relax.  I held her tight on the way to the van, then I sat her in her seat, and I fastened her seatbelt around her and kissed her head and closed the door.

Within a couple of minutes, she was sound asleep and as we drove to get our sick, throwing up Jaxon, God spoke to my heart about disappointments and changed plans.  He spoke to my heart about how I don’t like changed plans… and I cried as I thought about me sobbing and throwing a fit, and picturing Him reaching His arms out to me and just saying “come on.”

I might hesitate, but by the grace of God, I always reach my weak arms back up to Him and let Him pick me up and carry me.  And I praise Him that even though I’m “big” enough to walk by myself, He knows when I’m tired and I’m disappointed and I just need to be held.

God even spoke to my heart about the fact that we don’t share our plans with our children until the last possible minute because they can’t handle changed plans- and about how that is so reflective in a lot of ways to His plan for my life… He has such a good plan.  Such a perfect plan… but He only shows that plan to me when I seek that plan and when I’m ready to know that plan.  And I’m thankful that He knows better than I do when I’m ready.

Does anything better show us the heart of God than being a parent?  I don’t think so. 
I’m so thankful for the gift of motherhood and I’m so thankful that God never stops teaching me.