Can we talk about today for a minute?
Or 2019, so far in general?
Can we talk about that?
We are 6 days in so far, and I have felt like, for the most part,
I’ve been nothing but a big ball of anxious nerves. I’ve been trying to do all the right things
and say all the right words and have the right attitude. I’ve studied God’s Word every day and I’m leading
a group of women to do the same. But it
seems like the harder I’ve tried this week, the more crippling my anxiety has
been.
On Thursday night, one of the most precious ladies at
Rosebower Baptist Church suddenly passed away.
She was 83 years old, so she wasn’t “young” but she didn’t act 83 years
old. Barbara Lou was one of the biggest encouragers
to my family and she loved us so well, and her death honestly just shook me to
my core. I’ve cried more tears since Thursday
evening then I’ve cried in quite some time.
Barbara’s passing has left a big hole that I’m not sure how it will be
filled- a hole in her family, a hole in Rosebower, a hole in my life. The more I’ve cried, the worse my anxiety has
gotten and it’s just been a hard last few days.
Barbara Lou was a special lady. She loved so big and she loved my kids like
they were hers. When we first came to Rosebower,
at the first VBS we attended, Knox bit into a cornbread muffin that Barbara had
made. He (loudly, because he’s Knox, and
he doesn’t do anything not loudly) exclaimed that it was gross because someone
had forgotten to put the blueberries in the muffins. So the next night, Barbara brought Knox 2 dozen
homemade blueberry muffins that she made just for him. And she’s brought him 2 dozen homemade
blueberry muffins to every vacation bible school since then. We are going to miss those blueberry muffins
this year, but not as much as we will miss Barbara Lou.
She’s always showed up to give help and advice (even though
the advice sometimes wasn’t wanted at the time and sometimes came across as
bossy). You could just count on her to
always be there. She made freezer meals
for me when I needed help making dinners for my family and she taught Justin
how to make chicken fajitas so he could help me out. She gave my kids spending money when we would
go on trips. She brought me big bags to
church loaded up with snacks on basketball tournament weekends so that we
wouldn’t have to spend so much money in the concession stand. She baked food for me to feed the women in my
summer neighborhood bible story so that I could focus on preparing the bible
study and not worry about snacks. She let
me use her credit card to buy tickets to a women’s event one time because I couldn’t
find Justin to get the church card. When
we bought our house, she cleaned in so that it would be clean before we moved
into it. She hugged me and told me she
was proud of me, often, and I knew that she meant it.
Jaxon had a basketball tournament in Indiana this weekend. I went with him yesterday, and my mom and
stepdad spent the night and stayed with him so that he could play with his team
today. As I drove home last night, for
three and a half hours, I struggled with my thoughts. I felt so torn. I didn’t want to leave Jaxon in Indiana
without me. I didn’t want him to think
that I didn’t care enough to be there. But
I knew I had to come home. I didn’t need
to miss this morning’s church service, and there was no way that I was going to
miss Barbara Lou’s funeral. My anxiety
was bad. And as Paxton slept in the back
seat, and tears streamed down my face as I drove, I was honest with God. I told Him how bad my heart hurt and how bad I
was struggling and how alone I felt and how I felt like I was just going
through the motions in everything in my life right now…
And through tears, I sobbed to Him saying, “I need to see You clearer. I know You’re there. I trust You’re there. But no matter how much time I spend in Your Word,
I’m having a hard time seeing You right now.
I know You’re good. I really
do. But I can’t see You. Please let me see You.”
And He heard my prayer.
Church felt different this morning. Like I said, there’s just a hole. I walked down the hall ways and it felt weird
not seeing Barbara Lou walk toward me, with her arms open waiting to hug
Paxton. I peeked my head into the Sunday
School classroom that she’s a member of, and it just didn’t feel right. But, this morning, at church, His presence
was everywhere. We sang songs about
Heaven, and about glorifying His Name, and He was there. We prayed about trusting Him more, about how
everything belongs to Him, and about how we are to be anxious for nothing, and
He was there. We gathered at the altar
to pray for our church and our community and for His glory above all else, and
He was there.
Barbara Lou’s funeral was one of the most God centered
funerals I’ve ever attended. He was
there. The men’s quartet sang once again
about Heaven. And He was there. “… as I entered the gates of that city, my
loved ones they all knew me well. They took
me down the streets of Heaven, such scenes were too many to tell. I saw Abraham, Jacob, and Isaac, talked with Mark,
and Timothy… but I said, ‘I want to see Jesus, because He’s the One who died
for me…” The entire congregation began to applaud and tears streamed down so
many faces, and He was there. His
presence filled that place. The gospel
was shared and peace filled each heart as we were assured that Barbara was, at
that very moment, in the presence of Jesus Christ, the One Who died for her. And He was there.
We went to the cemetery, and I felt His presence once more
as my sweet husband proclaimed that in a cemetery, it’s easy to look around and
see tombstone after tombstone after tombstone and to feel like death has won. But we know that Jesus defeated death and that
this isn’t the end and that death doesn’t win.
And He was there.
Barbara Lou’s granddaughter, my sweet friend, Haley and I walked
to the front parking lot of the church today and watched the most beautiful
sunset on the most beautiful, perfect, January day. And He was there. I think we both felt Him.
Tonight at church, my husband sat beside me and my daughter
slept in my lap, and my two sons sat on the other side of me and I realized that
there’s never been a time before that moment that all five of us have sat
together in church. That doesn’t happen
much when your husband’s the preacher. And
He was there. I felt Him. And I smiled.
I’m exhausted tonight.
I’ve cried so many tears that I have a headache and I honestly feel dehydrated. But I didn’t want the night to get away
before writing down some words and thanking God for answering the simple prayer
of a heart broken, anxiety filled momma, driving down I65 last night. I asked Him to let me see Him.
And He did. Everywhere.
All day.
I’m going to do some great things in 2019. Just you wait and see. I’m going to get better at this “being anxious
for nothing” thing. I’m going to trust
Him more. I’m going to write more. And I’m going to love more. I’m not going to run a marathon. I honestly probably won’t even run a 5k. I want to get healthier but I’ll probably never
completely give up Mountain Dew and drink a gallon of water every day. I want to be a better mom and a better wife,
but I probably will never cook homemade, healthy meals every night of the week
for my family.
But one thing I will do this year is look for God more.
I’m going to see Him
more. Because He’s already there, I just
need to open up my eyes and look for Him.
He’s all around me. So whether it’s with a big smile on my face on days that I’ve laughed so
hard I can’t breathe, or whether I’ve cried all the tears I think I can cry on
a day full of unimaginable grief- I’m looking for Him.
I saw You today, God.
Thank You.
