And He was there.

Can we talk about today for a minute?

Or 2019, so far in general?  Can we talk about that?

We are 6 days in so far, and I have felt like, for the most part, I’ve been nothing but a big ball of anxious nerves.  I’ve been trying to do all the right things and say all the right words and have the right attitude.  I’ve studied God’s Word every day and I’m leading a group of women to do the same.  But it seems like the harder I’ve tried this week, the more crippling my anxiety has been.

On Thursday night, one of the most precious ladies at Rosebower Baptist Church suddenly passed away.  She was 83 years old, so she wasn’t “young” but she didn’t act 83 years old.  Barbara Lou was one of the biggest encouragers to my family and she loved us so well, and her death honestly just shook me to my core.  I’ve cried more tears since Thursday evening then I’ve cried in quite some time.  Barbara’s passing has left a big hole that I’m not sure how it will be filled- a hole in her family, a hole in Rosebower, a hole in my life.  The more I’ve cried, the worse my anxiety has gotten and it’s just been a hard last few days.

Barbara Lou was a special lady.  She loved so big and she loved my kids like they were hers.  When we first came to Rosebower, at the first VBS we attended, Knox bit into a cornbread muffin that Barbara had made.  He (loudly, because he’s Knox, and he doesn’t do anything not loudly) exclaimed that it was gross because someone had forgotten to put the blueberries in the muffins.  So the next night, Barbara brought Knox 2 dozen homemade blueberry muffins that she made just for him.  And she’s brought him 2 dozen homemade blueberry muffins to every vacation bible school since then.  We are going to miss those blueberry muffins this year, but not as much as we will miss Barbara Lou. 

She’s always showed up to give help and advice (even though the advice sometimes wasn’t wanted at the time and sometimes came across as bossy).  You could just count on her to always be there.  She made freezer meals for me when I needed help making dinners for my family and she taught Justin how to make chicken fajitas so he could help me out.  She gave my kids spending money when we would go on trips.  She brought me big bags to church loaded up with snacks on basketball tournament weekends so that we wouldn’t have to spend so much money in the concession stand.  She baked food for me to feed the women in my summer neighborhood bible story so that I could focus on preparing the bible study and not worry about snacks.  She let me use her credit card to buy tickets to a women’s event one time because I couldn’t find Justin to get the church card.  When we bought our house, she cleaned in so that it would be clean before we moved into it.  She hugged me and told me she was proud of me, often, and I knew that she meant it.

Jaxon had a basketball tournament in Indiana this weekend.  I went with him yesterday, and my mom and stepdad spent the night and stayed with him so that he could play with his team today.  As I drove home last night, for three and a half hours, I struggled with my thoughts.  I felt so torn.  I didn’t want to leave Jaxon in Indiana without me.  I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t care enough to be there.  But I knew I had to come home.  I didn’t need to miss this morning’s church service, and there was no way that I was going to miss Barbara Lou’s funeral.  My anxiety was bad.  And as Paxton slept in the back seat, and tears streamed down my face as I drove, I was honest with God.  I told Him how bad my heart hurt and how bad I was struggling and how alone I felt and how I felt like I was just going through the motions in everything in my life right now…

And through tears, I sobbed to Him saying, “I need to see You clearer.  I know You’re there.  I trust You’re there.  But no matter how much time I spend in Your Word, I’m having a hard time seeing You right now.  I know You’re good.  I really do.  But I can’t see You.  Please let me see You.”

And He heard my prayer.

Church felt different this morning.  Like I said, there’s just a hole.  I walked down the hall ways and it felt weird not seeing Barbara Lou walk toward me, with her arms open waiting to hug Paxton.  I peeked my head into the Sunday School classroom that she’s a member of, and it just didn’t feel right.  But, this morning, at church, His presence was everywhere.  We sang songs about Heaven, and about glorifying His Name, and He was there.  We prayed about trusting Him more, about how everything belongs to Him, and about how we are to be anxious for nothing, and He was there.  We gathered at the altar to pray for our church and our community and for His glory above all else, and He was there. 

Barbara Lou’s funeral was one of the most God centered funerals I’ve ever attended.  He was there.  The men’s quartet sang once again about Heaven.  And He was there.  “… as I entered the gates of that city, my loved ones they all knew me well.  They took me down the streets of Heaven, such scenes were too many to tell.  I saw Abraham, Jacob, and Isaac, talked with Mark, and Timothy… but I said, ‘I want to see Jesus, because He’s the One who died for me…” The entire congregation began to applaud and tears streamed down so many faces, and He was there.  His presence filled that place.  The gospel was shared and peace filled each heart as we were assured that Barbara was, at that very moment, in the presence of Jesus Christ, the One Who died for her.  And He was there.

We went to the cemetery, and I felt His presence once more as my sweet husband proclaimed that in a cemetery, it’s easy to look around and see tombstone after tombstone after tombstone and to feel like death has won.  But we know that Jesus defeated death and that this isn’t the end and that death doesn’t win.  And He was there.

Barbara Lou’s granddaughter, my sweet friend, Haley and I walked to the front parking lot of the church today and watched the most beautiful sunset on the most beautiful, perfect, January day.  And He was there.  I think we both felt Him.

Tonight at church, my husband sat beside me and my daughter slept in my lap, and my two sons sat on the other side of me and I realized that there’s never been a time before that moment that all five of us have sat together in church.  That doesn’t happen much when your husband’s the preacher.  And He was there.  I felt Him.  And I smiled.

I’m exhausted tonight.  I’ve cried so many tears that I have a headache and I honestly feel dehydrated.  But I didn’t want the night to get away before writing down some words and thanking God for answering the simple prayer of a heart broken, anxiety filled momma, driving down I65 last night.  I asked Him to let me see Him.

And He did.  Everywhere.  All day.

I’m going to do some great things in 2019.  Just you wait and see.  I’m going to get better at this “being anxious for nothing” thing.  I’m going to trust Him more.  I’m going to write more.  And I’m going to love more.  I’m not going to run a marathon.  I honestly probably won’t even run a 5k.  I want to get healthier but I’ll probably never completely give up Mountain Dew and drink a gallon of water every day.  I want to be a better mom and a better wife, but I probably will never cook homemade, healthy meals every night of the week for my family.

But one thing I will do this year is look for God more.

 I’m going to see Him more.  Because He’s already there, I just need to open up my eyes and look for Him.  He’s all around me.  So whether it’s with a big smile on my face on days that I’ve laughed so hard I can’t breathe, or whether I’ve cried all the tears I think I can cry on a day full of unimaginable grief- I’m looking for Him.

I saw You today, God. 

Thank You.